The last 24 hours have been full of emotion.  The emotions run the gamut as they so often do.  Numbness, sadness, some joy, some anger, some bitterness and some sweetness. 

Saturday morning, I woke to the heaviness and angst of energy I could not explain.  It was dark.  It was ominous.  It felt like suffering.  I could not explain it, nor did I want to understand it.  I wanted the energy to pass and to feel it no more.  This is not the first time this has happened.  I am no seer, soothsayer or prophet.  I simply can, and always have been able to, feel subtle shifts in energy. 

“Mike, you are weird and creepy.”

Maybe I am.  Maybe it’s not just me?  Maybe others who get the “heebie-jeebies” upon entering a cemetery or feel the eeriness of a blood moon are connecting to the same things I feel?  Who knows.  That is for another time and another post.

A boy (now a man) I grew up with, my cousin “T” had recently found happiness and love in a woman who seemed to reflect his energy perfectly.  Even though I had not yet (and never will meet) met her, I watched through social media as they did the dance of courtship and love.  I smiled and felt the warmth of their smiles as they showed pictures and photos of the things they were passionate about.  I immersed myself in their joy upon hearing they became engaged last year.  I no longer have the close relationships with a lot of my family, but I still enjoy the good energy and positive emotions from seeing life milestones; even from 3,000 miles away.

Yesterday morning, I was sent a text message about T’s fiancée.  She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer which spread to her colon.  I was walking out of a metaphysical shop where I had just had an amazing discussion about energy and peace with a man that left me feeling light and joyous.  I read the message and my heart sank.  Cancer.  Again.  Why?  This girl.  This love of my cousin’s life is way too young.  They should be immersed in planning whatever style wedding that would appeal to them.  Not discussing chemotherapy, radiation and surgery.  The positive energy I felt was whisked away in a moment.  Nothingness and dark memories flooded back.  I remembered so many other diagnosis’.  Pancreatic cancer.  Brain Cancer.  Breast cancer.  Lung Cancer.  When does it end?

The short answer to when does it end was this morning.  Another text message hit my phone at 4:50 am.  “She passed away during the night”.  Instantaneous tears.  I rose and paced the hallway until my eyes ceased their purge. 

The silence around me and the loss of an energetic soul felt hollow.  The analogy I heard from a Shaman years ago held true in this moment.  She, the Shaman, said to me, “Mike, we are all magnificent threads in the grand tapestry of life.  Without each of our threads, the tapestry is that much duller and less vibrant.”

Truth.

The world became duller today because of the loss of this soul.  The world becomes duller with the loss of any soul.  New threads are brought in, but never can truly replace the lost ones. 

“Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.”

Yes.  Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel knew about this loss and the darkness which can drop on us in the most unexpected way.  The darkest moments in life impact us as much as the lightest.  It is in these times we must walk our “Dharma”.  In Buddhism, this is known as “Our truth”.  We must embrace it all.  Dark and light alike.  But, in the initial moments, it is difficult to see the light in the darkness.  It is challenging to find peace and silence where the noise drones on and pervades everything.  The hollow laughter of death as it claims another soul.  The taking of a soul who should be looking forward to dancing with her groom.  A soul who should be looking into the eyes of her love as the world and crowd around become but a blur as they dance and sway in the newness of their nuptials. 

Last night, I lay awake thinking about them.  I never had the privilege to meet her.  I composed a piece of poetry as follows: 

Diagnosis.

I heard today that the diagnosis
Is terminal.
I've never met you,
But I see the smiles you
Bring him. I see your faces
In photos and Christmas cards.
You look happy
And healthy and yet,
You're dying.
People will say,
"God called you home".
I'll bite my tongue so hard
It will bleed.
Memories. Diagnosis'.
Death.
It all hits home.
Stabbed in the heart
And the mantle of mortality
Shifts
As I look at myself in the mirror
And wonder,
"When will it be my time?"
Grim? Yes. Angry. Indeed.
Shattered soul of another life
Lost too young.
Lost. So lost.
Immortality for all the wrong reasons.
Darkness envelops me tonight
As I weep for you both.
Life will go on, my tears will dry,
And I will smile again,
But he will never be the same.
He will become a wraith,
Haunted by what if's.
What vice will he turn to?
Heavy heart, wounded soul,
A wounded healer who can heal
No one and nothing.
Ghostlike twilight begins
The fade to black
As days pass
Into oblivion.

I write to memorialize the moment.  The feelings.  To allow them to percolate to the surface as I wish them light and love and allow them to pass on.  Seems simple?  Except, sometimes, the darkest feelings do not pass.  Like the memory of the loved and lost, they linger.  Will they pass in time?  Yes, but some of those feelings leave an irreparable stain that cannot be removed.  Such is life.  C’est la Vie.

She is gone.  Nothing will change that.  T’s life becomes all that much more complicated now.  I send my love, light and healing energy to him and mourn the loss of his love. 

What does the passing of a loved one or simply one, offer us?  A lesson.  It offers a lesson.  We, as a society, are a complacent bunch.  We immerse ourselves in the pain and band together when tragedy strikes, but like the post 9-11 America, we eventually revert to our own kingdoms and fiefdoms where we exist.  We lose touch with people we love.  We don’t say “I love you” or “You mean a lot to me” enough.  We become consumed with our own lives and forget the light around us that should be a part of it.  The light that enhances our journey in the trail of life.  The periphery which abuts the trail and is full of beauty and radiance.  We become so locked on the dirt, scree and talus of the trail, that we forget to look to our right and see the views of the alpine lakes, the steep drops and soaring falcons.  We ignore the things to our left and miss the majesty of desolate wilderness and cloud ripping peaks. 

A challenge.  To all who read this today.

One person.  You must reach out to one person and tell them you love them and then do that more often.  Tell them in whatever way best suits you.  In a text message, a phone call or during an embrace.  Do not allow silence from your lips to prevent you from telling this often.  Do not allow the blinders of life to obscure the periphery of the trail.  Live and love with an open heart.  I challenge each person with this. 

I send you love, light and the healing peace of angels and the divine.  May you all look into the mirror and see the beauty of the thread which you are and the radiance you bring to the world.  Take a moment and tell another one of their beauty as well.  Our lives have no room for complacency. 

“Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but pictures, kill nothing but time.”

Namaste, friends.  I love you all.