Self-Confidence
A thunderstorm rages within my head on most days. A tumultuous and turbulent mass of clouds, rain storms teem from gray skies, but rays of sun do peek through the gloom from time to time. Have a mental picture of this? Good. This is what a lack of self-confidence looks like. This is the ugly companion to depression. No amount of pep talks or motivational speakers can do away with this. This is a monstrosity which is only able to be corrected by the soul inhabiting that body.
Self-Confidence – noun - a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgment.
I simply do not have it. I’ve learned to be okay with it over the years. I do not feel confident about my abilities, looks or ambition.
This blog has always been about being raw. This isn’t me looking for attention. It’s simply stating something (as an artist and wordsmith) that by disclosing, maybe can bring up a topic of discussion for others out there to air out and bring into light, their own challenges.
I’ve always wrestled with this. I constantly question my abilities. On everything. It’s not limited to any, one thing. I am a chronic over thinker who doubts in my ability to succeed and fails to see any successes which may have already occurred. My lack of self-confidence is not only present in my day-to-day life as a Director of Fiscal Services who handles a $47 million budget, but also the photographer who sits in the car after a portrait session looking at the LCD screen on the back of my camera and hating every single shot. It’s the hiker and mountain climber who stands in the shade of ever peak thinking “I can’t do this. I’m too fat, too unworthy, too unfit”. The man who makes decisions, but in the back of his mind is thinking, “Remember you are the same person who had to retake Accounting 471 at Penn State. The same person who used to always be offered the job after an interview, was turned down by 2 of the last 3 promotions he went after. You know what that means, right? You are stupid. You just aren’t an intelligent and able person. You lack talent to succeed. Failure.”
After typing those paragraphs, I read and re-read it. I agonize over them and what they mean and convey to the reader. This is the 4th time writing this blog for the month of February in 2020. The lack of self-confidence can be crippling. It’s the lying awake at night wondering where the mistakes are in your budget reports, because you just KNOW there are some big ones in there. It’s the mind-fuck you allow to happen as you are trekking up a big peak and are experiencing the effects of altitude and tiredness to the point where giving up seems like a better idea than celebrating on the summit.
Do I think that any one event caused this? I don’t. I have no clue as to why it settled into my mind like a dense fog. It just has. But there are the rare occasions that I see past the fog and into the rays of light that break up the madness. The light that shows that maybe, just maybe, I have a few brains cells which function. Maybe I can create poetry and prose that is not only readable, but likeable as well. While I’m not Ansel Adams, I can create an image that may even be described as stunning and worthy. These are the moments I try and bookmark into the annals of my cerebrum. Much like a card catalog that on days when the darkness becomes too much, I can grab the memory and find worth and light.
Recently, I had the pleasure to spend time with one of my closest friends in Phoenix, Arizona. A trip just to spend time with a guy that I consider to be more of a brother than a friend. A guy that is an incessant, if not irritating, optimist. You can’t simply not be happy when you spend time with him. He pushes me to lose the yoke of a lack of self-confidence and look at things differently. I push him to try and see the good in souls. It is a wonderful friendship. Aaron is one of those rare souls that make life a brighter place.
As we sped towards our destination in the Superstition Wilderness, we talked about everything we always do. Music, work, his concern about the darkness of my poetry, our parents, kids and daily lives. Everything is always fair game; even the uncomfortable topics. We arrive at the Tonto National Forest gates, find our way to the day hiker parking lot and begin to gear up like every other hike. The only thing is, this is the first hike I’ve ever been able to talk him into. 10+ years of friendship, and now he decides he wants to try it. Naturally, only a brutal hike will do. Superstition Peak 5024 and The Flatiron. One day, two vista points; a double traverse. 3,000 feet of climbing including a final 15-foot vertical climb without ropes, belay’s or harnesses. Yeah. This one will do.
As usual, my mind races with the typical lack of self-confidence as we wind our way through the desert which is perched in front of this magnificent mesa. The first mile and a half turns and twists and ascends gradually through sage and cacti until it hits “The Draw”. A glaciated section of steep and slick rock that sometimes requires hands on the ground to ensure you don’t careen off of it and back down into the canyon. Panting and puffing we ascend through it to a small saddle where we can see the final 2,000-foot climb in under a mile. Boulders, talus and scree challenge both body and mental will. Several times during the climb, my thoughts turn dark. Give up. You can’t do this. You aren’t good enough to climb mountains. You are a fat guy who dreams too much. You want to climb 20,000-foot peaks soon and you are out of breath here. What makes you think you can do this? Quit. Do us all a favor and just stop. Failure.
We continue to climb higher and higher. We remark about the landscape below and how beautiful the view is becoming as we near the saddle. As my altimeter shows we are passing 4,500 feet, the self-confidence returns and I can’t help but feel the same elation I’ve felt on so many other hikes. The darkness fades away and the expansive views of the world around become my reality and focus. Kneeling down on the sandy earth, I offer my thanks to the spirits and guardians of the mountain and thank them for the safe passage. I send light and healing peace to all sentient beings the world around and am truly thankful for being afforded the opportunity to see this magnificent vista point. Aaron and I hug, bump fists and take in the beauty in our own way. I thank him for being here and sharing the journey.
As time has passed from the climb, I find days where my mind and soul return to the fog of darkness and self-doubt. Over time and through self-reflection, I try and curb the thoughts and feelings, but it is hard. Am I looking for compliments? No. Am I looking for assurance and reassurance? Not in the least. No amount of any of that will cease the madness and quell the storm in my head. This is the space (this blog) in which I try and act the healer to those who also struggle with this as well. To try and ensure everyone figures out a way to combat the darkness and see light. Is it effective? Who knows. After all, the lack of self-confidence interferes and screams at me about why I am even writing this drivel any way (that was attempted humor, by the way).
As I’ve stated so many times before; mountains and nature heal and center me. Nothing else has ever come close to the healing properties of nature. The way I feel on the top of a mountain, under the shade of a gigantic incense cedar or swimming in an alpine lake 10,000 feet above sea level is the therapy I require and yearn for. It alleviates my depression, makes the lack of self-confidence evaporate and fuels the creative nature within me. I hope that you find what heals and strengthens you as well. If you know someone who has darkness which plagues them, reach out to them. Ask them how you can help. Let them know you are a friend to them and they aren’t alone. Too many people suffer in silence and lack the confidence to know there are so many people around them who love and care about and for them. Be that kind soul who reaches out. Offer to take them on a hike, to have dinner and chat, to go to a church service, meditate in a temple or workout in a gym together. Be there and be that light for them. May you all find the light and healing peace this wondrous universe holds.
Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but pictures, kill nothing but time.
Namaste, friends.
