There are times in all of our lives where a "Goodbye" means more than just "I'll see you again soon".  Sometimes, a goodbye is forever.  Sometimes those same goodbye's hurt badly.  They scar and they leave chasms in the heart and soul.  They are done to protect.  They are done to salvage what is left of sanity and allow the soul to grow into what it is destined to become.

In May of 2019 I left a school district where I had established some wonderful relationships, built a team I was proud of and knew would continue the work we began and saw changes in both the brick and mortar of the schools themselves as well as noticed more happiness among the employees of the district.

No matter if you love or hate what you do to pay bills, saying goodbye to those folks you leave behind when you leave is a hard task.  Some folks may disagree and that's fine, but deep down, there are those humans which we will truly miss as we part ways.  Any of us who have ever lost a loved one, left a job, moved to a new location or simply severed ties with toxic relationships know the value of a goodbye.  They are never easy, but as time passes, the value increases (in almost all circumstances).

As my days dwindled at the school district I recently left behind, I took a few moments to reflect on things that my team and I were able to accomplish while I was there.  We were able to bring a huge number of changes to the district which impacted not only the students, but the staff as well.  I wouldn't call it a legacy or anything of that nature, but in a short span of time, we passed $70 million in bonds, gave our teachers and staff over 20% in compensation increases, began to rebuild every one of the campuses and increased the access to technology for every child in the district.  It is something I am proud of (and that is extraordinarily difficult for me to acknowledge given my struggles with self-consciousness).

I sit back on a Sunday morning in early fall and think on these things.  I look at the current position I am in and do not have that same mindset.  I love the team I have here and their abilities and personalities, but understand that I will not be a difference maker at this position.  I wistfully said "goodbye" to air around me as I contemplated on this hope.

Goodbye.  Auf Wiedersehen.  Au Revoir.  Ciao.  Sayonara.  See you soon.

Surprised with that last one?  I've never been a fan of saying the word "goodbye", and when I do, I allow it to mean permanence.  That perhaps, maybe this is the last time I will see that person.  Perhaps even, this is the last time I WANT to see this person? 

Today, a darkness hovers over me.  One which I want nothing more than to say goodbye to.  For those of you reading, I have shared some of the darkness which at times, encroaches upon my heart and soul and takes hold of my being.  Sometimes it lasts for hours, sometimes for days.  In the end, it always leaves.  Never goodbye, but it retreats into the darkest recesses of a, sometimes, haunted mind.

I lost two of my grandparents in a 2 month span back in 2006.  Each time I flew back for the funeral, I composed myself enough to be able to audibly say "Goodbye" before the casket closed.  Emotions run high in these instances.  I am an emotional person by nature.  My senior year of high school I had a Humanities teacher call me a hopeless romantic with a touch of a renaissance man.  I didn't know how to take that other than the fact I wasn't a fan of her during my time in her class.  She was overly critical, especially of me and the writings I produced and submitted.  I won't say I hated her (even though at the time, I did not consider myself a Buddhist, but was taught that hate is a word not to be used because of the feelings it leads to), but I did not prefer her in any way.  I was happy to say goodbye to her.

As both funerals ended and my grandparents were laid to their eternal rest, I struggled with my goodbye being one that was after they had left this plane of existence.  I fought the increasing anger inside me that I was denied the chance to say goodbye to them after a meal at their house or spending time in their living room just talking.  When my final grandparent passed in 2012, it hit home even harder.  The same thing occurred.  I packed a dark suit and tie, boarded a flight to the east coast once again, and stood next to a cousin of mine as the casket was lowered into the freezing Pennsylvania earth in December.  I cried.  I wept.  I purged emotions into a journal which I still have.  I read of their darkness and the meaning to me and it once again brings tears.  Each time I close that college ruled notebook, I say goodbye to the memory and hope that that notebook will call me no longer to open its pages and immerse myself in a period of time I wish I could simply forget.

Goodbye.  If you stop and think about the word, it is interesting.  Why good?  Is it really "good" to see someone off or out of your life?  A contemplative mood strikes me today and I muse about this somewhat obsessively.  If you are reading this, you've either come here to read something else or were browsing galleries and fell on this blog.  This was a blog has been in process for some time and has been written and rewritten several times.  Goodbye to the old words, hello to the new and then goodbye again.  On and on, over and over.  Write, delete, write, delete, hello, goodbye, this writing looks promising, no it doesn’t, energy is good, energy is dark.  Yin and Yang.  Hello and goodbye.

"Mike, why must you be so dramatic and cryptic with things?" 

As an introverted poet and writer, of course I want to create a little drama with words.  That makes people think.  Cryptic?  Yes.  Sometimes, things take years to come to the surface and almost always have been thought about, talked about internally and said goodbye to dozens of times before disseminating through a blog, a conversation with a friend or through poetry which maybe only I can completely decipher.  Allowing these emotions out is my way of saying goodbye to them.  To allow them to be released.  To hopefully send them on their way with a simple goodbye.  A memory to vanish from the consciousness of my spirit. 

I once sat with a Shaman to discuss past lives, akashic records and my purpose (soul-wise) on this earth.  The Shaman said to me, "Mike, you are a wounded healer.  You need to know this.  Your inherent ability to listen and help see the good in everyone allows you to bring light to them no matter how low they feel.  You must however, understand that during this, you will help some to heal and them must understand that their path and yours will diverge.  These friends are the hardest to lose as you have shared a piece of your soul with them, saw them flourish and then you must say goodbye."

That was years ago, but her voice and words still echo.  We went on to talk about my purpose and what dreams I should pursue and why my soul chose this vessel over other ones.  At the end of the conversation, we said goodbye and I left feeling overwhelmed, but somehow at peace.  I went home and thought about this.  I pondered it deeply.  I still think about that conversation and what the answers to the questions I asked were and how sometimes, the answers were not given, rather, a question was posed back to me to allow my own intuition and soul to decide which path to take.

Each time I sit and listen to a challenge another soul has, I remind myself of her words.  I remind myself that each onus taken, I lose a fragment of my soul here and chip of my soul there.  I can look at the other person and see the gaps which they came to me with have been filled and there is a new happiness about them. 

“With giving fragments and chips to others, what will happen to you with the missing pieces?”

I ponder on this very thought often.  Overthink it, even.  My response is always the same.  Because it is what is expected of me.  It is my karmic duty.  It is my Karmic Debt.  The best way I can describe this is through one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite movies. 

“I give hope to men, I leave none for myself (Lord of the Rings, Return of the King).”  This is my philosophy on the preceding paragraph pertaining to karmic debt and akashic record.  Think on this and ponder it.  What does it mean to you?

Goodbye.  As we continue our walk through life, I hope we understand the meaning of this word.  Each time we look at another soul and say "goodbye" I hope we can truly understand what we are saying.  Do we really mean goodbye?  Would it be better to say “See you soon”?  Or even “Namaste”? 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  After reading this I hope it causes you to think a little deeper.  Who knows, maybe you will say goodbye to me and this blog?  If so, I wish you love and light and a journey which brings you peace.  If you come back, I wish you the same. 

May the cosmic energy and divine consciousness of our universe guide your pathway through life and may each day forward teach you something new.

See you soon.  Later gator.  Peace out. 

Goodbye.

Namaste, friends.

“Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but pictures, kill nothing but time.”