Hello friends.  May the blessings and radiance of this universe be ever present within you and around you.  

It's been several months of thinking, over thinking, wrestling with emotions and trying to tame the demons and darkness within my head which is why the blog has taken respite.  I am happy (happy may be an overstatement, but we will call it that just the same) to be writing this after seeing a quote from a fellow blogger.  It made sense.  I love the way it sounds and coming from someone else who battles depression and mental illness (hugs to all my "mental health suffering family") as well as loves the joy nature brings, it rang true.  

"Sometimes you must hike for your life, not just for yourself.  "(Taogoi)"

Wow.  Those of you who connect deeply to nature, hiking, climbing and the beauty of the outdoors should get that.  It should resonate.  It should impact and influence you.  If you also suffer from the darkness of anxiety and depression and your solace is in the wild, this quote should shake you to the core and become your own personalized, John 3:16.  

"Mike, isn't that a little on the dramatic side?  I mean, I'm not a depressed or sad person, so it can't really be that bad, can it?"

Yes.  Yes it can.  It can and it does.  The darkness and depression sneak up on you when you least expect.  It washes over you even when you may be smiling and laughing with a friend.  It invades your smile and permeates your soul.  It alters your mind and plans for fun.  It makes you quit doing the things you love.  It envelopes you in a sea of both hopelessness and worthlessness.  I wish it on no one.  If by me carrying it helps someone else avoid it, then let it be my yoke.

"Sometimes you hike for your life, not just yourself."

Hiking has been my safe harbor when all around becomes madness and dark.  Mountains become hospitals and trails become therapists.  The granite, dirt and scree are angels around me, healing my broken parts and saving me from myself.  Yes.  Saving me from myself.  Sometimes the darkness and anxiety becomes too much to handle, and in the brain of a teenager, it can leave visible marks on the body.  My best friend at 17 attempted to take her own life and her darkness became mine.  I now bear a scar on my wrist from my fight with it.  Hardly a day goes by where I don't look at it and remember that night almost 25 years ago.  I am thankful for a roommate of mine who walked in as I contemplated pushing farther.  I realized at that moment what was happening and began healing from it.

"Sometimes you hike for your life, not just yourself."

When my boot laces are cinched tight, my sternum strap is adjusted and my trekking poles ready, I smile and inhale deeply.  I am glad to be alive and to be out in nature.  To be amongst the trees, rocks and woodland creatures.  To experience every emotion as the miles and hours tick away.  To watch the sun go down behind mountains and feel the cool air of evening settle it.  It purges the negative and washes clean my spirit, just like John Muir said it would.  

It gives me memories and life.  It offers me a place to continue to think deeply about every one of life's moments, both past and present.  I hike for myself because it offers me a chance to be the best soul, human and healer I can be.  I hike because it stokes my creative nature and soothes the Lost Soul within.  I hike for my life, because without it, I am scared at what could happen.  

As many of you know, my father was diagnosed with PCNS Lymphoma (brain cancer) 6 years ago.  The impact of this diagnosis on me was soul shattering to say the least.  My father and I have always had a close relationship and the thought of losing him (he remains in remission thanks to the beauty of modern medicine and the surgeons skillful hands) pushed my depression into full blown nightmarish realms.  In the year of his diagnosis, treatment and recovery, I hiked for my life.  I hiked for my sanity.  I hiked for my soul and purpose.  I didn't do it for photos, fun or anything other than to push that darkness away and continue living.  

"Sometimes you hike for your life, not just yourself."

Today, I hike for myself, and at times, I hike for my life.  I hike to bring peace to the darkness and to prove to myself each step and breath is worth it.  

"Mountains are cathedrals: grand and pure, the houses of my religion. I go to them as humans go to worship...From their lofty summits, I view my past, dream of the future, and with unusual acuity I am allowed to experience the present moment. My strength renewed, my vision cleared, in the mountains I celebrate creation. On each journey I am reborn. (Anatoli Boukreev)"

Another quote which pairs perfectly with the subject of this blog.  They are the places, not only cathedrals, but hospitals and therapists (as mentioned before) that conduct the healing.  

There is a reason so many folks seek out nature when mental illness sets in.  Stanford University conducted extensive research on the benefits of outdoor therapy and the impact on personal and mental health.  Its findings show that, indeed, nature is a proven healer.  It reduces stress, anxiety and depression.  It connects the human with the earth and her energy (the second part is me, not the researchers at Stanford). 

"Sometimes you hike for your life, not just yourself."

I apologize for the scattered nature of this blog as not writing in a bit has altered the normal flow, but this is real, and if you are still reading, thank you.

As I close my eyes and think of the hundreds of miles I have hiked, backpacked and adventured, I smile.  I smile because even the thoughts and memories of trips eases the darkness.  I think about my mental state prior to stepping onto the trail and my mental state leaving it.  I think about the views from the tops of peaks, forested glens, alpine meadows and ice cold waterfalls.  I think about the smiles on other hikers faces and how true hikers form a brother/sisterhood of sorts.  How we talk about our adventures, the sore muscles and the experiences.  The fact that some, like me, hike for their life too.  For all of you brothers and sisters, I love and respect you.  For those of you who may be suffering and have never slid a backpack over your shoulders and stepped foot into the wild, I urge you to try it.  You may find the views, trails and memories worth it, but better yet, it may save your life as well...

"Sometimes you hike for your life, not just yourself..."

"Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but pictures, kill nothing but time."

Namaste, friends.